Animal Farm: The Sequel

I clambered through the turnstiles and stared, mouth agape. “You did it! You crazy son of a bitch, you did it! It’s… it’s a chicken. We could tear up the rulebook on local fauna. It doesn’t apply. They’re totally wrong. Chicken do live in Reykjavik.”

One of the employees approached me, a smile smeared on their face. “Wait until you see the pigs.”

“You… you have pigs?”

“Hehe, my dear Charlie… Welcome… to Húsdýragarðurinn. Welcome to the Reykjavik Zoo.”

*Jurassic Park opening theme plays*

Hello there, I’m Charlie, and I recently had the phenomenal pleasure of visiting Húsdýragarðurinn. Every single person I spoke to, both Icelandic and Útlendic, told me to keep my expectations low, and as such, the Reykjavik petting zoo blew me away. Most people look down on me when I tell them the extreme amounts of joy I feel prancing around that beautiful park. And thus, I am here to argue FOR the zoo. I love it.

Firstly, the animals. They’ve got your classic Icelandic farm animals: pigs, cows, goats, sheep, chicken, and horses. Many of which I had never seen because, even though I’ve been to plenty of zoos, I do not live on a farm. You were also allowed to reach over the fences and pet them. And honestly, though somewhat quaint, it was refreshing to see for the first time instead of sad tigers and depressed hippos in tiny cages, you got to just see a sheep living its best life.

Now they did have some ‘exotic animals’ such as a rescue hawk that was never expected to fly again, a group of adorable baby arctic foxes, a reindeer that pissed for a minute and a half straight (genuinely), and seals! You may have noticed that the seals have an absolutely tiny area to swim around and two and a half rocks to give them some “enrichment.” I’m with you, people have been complaining for long enough! Húsdýragarðurinn, give the seals some more goddamn space. Get them a hot tub or something.

But fuck the animals, there’s a theme park! In proper Reykjavik style, they got two rides. There’s your classic drop tower ride. It is next to a lookout tower that far exceeds the drop tower’s height, but hey, we can dream. There’s also a spinning Viking ship ride (referred to in the theme-park community as a Viking-themed “Pirate Ship” ride). But most importantly, there’s a tiny river with a little raft on it. And the raft only moves if you pull on the rope. My God. Best ride of my life. I had to fight several toddlers off the thing to take it for a spin myself. Totally worth it.

In conclusion, the Húsdýragarðurinn is amazing and has absolutely no pro-… absolutely no… what happens when another animal is born? I mean they’re farm animals, so they’re going to mate right? I should check up on that. WHAT DO YOU MEAN THEY EAT THE ANIMALS?!

Legal Note: This is not a fact. I have not been able to find evidence pointing to animal consumption. However, there is a substantial rumour going around Iceland that the Húsdýragarðurinn Summer barbecues have more than just store-bought goods. Please don’t sue me.

Hugs and butterfly kisses

-Charlie

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