Horrortropes: Wild West Woes

Slap some bacon on a biscuit and let’s go! We’re burnin’ daylight!

WOOOoooOOOooOOOOO. Waaaa waaa waaaaaa. Welcome to Reykjavik, the most rootin’ tootin’ town this side’o the Westfjords. So saddle up, we’re seein’ what lies on the tracks. Spoiler alert, its Pisces.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)

Even the best planned heists tend to go wrong. This month, Capricorn, when the fuse won’t light the TnT set on the bridge, you’ll have to rob the train the ol’ fashioned way.

Aquarius (January 20 – Feb 18)

Aquarius, whatever you do, don’t drink the cactus water. Cactus water, it won’t quench you. Don’t do it. Don’t…don’t do it! You’re gonna do it.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20)

Pisces I know that — stop screaming, it’s me — you have a tendency to play the victim, but just because you’re tied to the rails and the train is rumblin’ towards ya, doesn’t mean you have to be so dramatic.

Aries (March 21 – April 19)

Wind in your hair, the horizon stretchin’ out before ya, it sure gets lonely in the wild. Maybe it’s time for you to saddle down, Aries. Find yourself your own Brokeback Mountain.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

Have you grown weary of the prairie, Taurus? The wide expanse and the tumbleweeds not enough for you? You’ve got bigger sights in mind. Gallop after them. In this scenario you are a horse.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)

Gemini, things have been tough since the mine collapse o’ ‘49, but trust me. You keep pannin’ and this month, by God, you’ll hit gold just as yella as your teeth.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)

Cancer, this month you’re going to be in your very own mine cart chase. Remember to keep your arms and legs inside the ride at all times. Is…is that a dead end sign?

Leo (July 23 – August 22)

Bein’ mayor in this lil’ town o’ yers is a real cushy job. But when you’re sittin’ on yer pile o’ money, smokin’ your fat cigars, just remember who got you there. These tracks are littered with workers’ bodies.

Virgo (August 23 – September 22)

Virgo, you ol’ saw bones, the whole town’s get dysentery this month cuz lil’ Charlie pissed in the water supply and you’re the only doctor for 18 miles. Good luck. It’s messy work, but someones gotta do it.

Libra (September 23 – October 22)

Libra, this month, you’ll be forced to put your hands up and your money in the bag, this is a train robbery. Shouldn’t have bought that first class ticket, city slicker, now keep your mouth shut and no one gets hurt.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)

You ain’t the only scorpion out here in the desert. This month, you’re gonna find yerself caught in the middle of a Mexican standoff. Best shoot quick and aim to kill. Good luck, Scorpio.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)

Sagittarius, I’m gonna be real with you: when you agreed to that duel at High Noon, you fucked up big time. What’re your measurements again? I’ll get yer coffin ready.

The sun sets (kind of, this is Reykjavik after all). A lonely harmonica plays in the distance (you can’t hear it because of the wind). The credits start to roll (it’s all in Icelandic). We tip our hats to you, one legend to another.