Horrortropes: The End is Noir

Horoscopes can’t be all bad, but these come the closest

Case-4-24, it’s been sitting on your desk for a while. You take a slow drag from a cheap cigarette and wipe some stray ash from the dossier. Time to crack this bad boy open, see what it’s got.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)

You knew the dame was going to be trouble when she walked into your office. But you’ve never been able to say no to a pretty face. And you’re not gonna start this month.

Aquarius (January 20 – Feb 18)

You’ll be absolutely working that feathered boa, big mama. Keep an eye out for your girls this month, there will be a man in a fedora askin’ weird questions.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20)

You’ll have plenty of business come to your doorstep. When people need a pair of cement shoes, you’re the cobbler. As Pisces, you know best what it means to be sleeping’ with the fishes.

Aries (March 21 – April 19)

You’ve got moxie, kid. But if you wanna box in the big leagues you’re gonna have to fork over more than just pretty words. Big Leo will want you to go down in the third round.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

Don’t overwork yourself. Taurus, you’ve been playin’ that sax in the back of this Horotrope the whole time. Remember to hydrate, little jazz star.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)

With a snap and a crackle this month, you’ll grab some saucy pictures of Leo the Lion getting hot and heavy with a lil’ Miss Scorpio. But if you take ’em to the papers it might be your head on the cover next.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)

No one likes a rat, Cancer. This month, you’ll be lookin’ out for yourself, but you better keep your yap shut or you might have a rendezvous with Pisces and his cement shoes.

Leo (July 23 – August 22)

They call you Leo the Lion for a reason, boss. Bravado‘s good and all — and you’ve got it in spades — but it looks like you’ll have a rat in the cornfield. Someone’s gonna spill the beans, boss.

Virgo (August 23 – September 22)

The boss will be ridin’ your ass this month but someone’s gotta do the dirty work. This month you’ll have plenty o’ knees to break and plenty o’ giggle juice to smuggle. Good luck, Virgo.

Libra (September 23 – October 22)

Justice waits for no one! But Libra, you gotta be patient. Buildin’ a case this big ain’t easy, see. It’s got a lot of movin’ parts, and you don’t want your tie caught up in the gears.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)

What’s a girl gotta do to cover up a murder round here? It’s time to get all dolled up, Scorpio, and work your greatest asset: your mind.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)

Sorry kid, this month, you’re gonna find yourself at the end of a snub-nosed pistol at the back of a crooked cathouse. But don’t worry, Reykjavik’s finest is on the case…. Oh no.

Looking out the blinds you’re startin’ to put the clues together. How deep does this go? Maybe this city is as rotten as they say. But you’ve never left a case unsolved…