Help? Call Charlie! Phone Addicts, Housing, Eurovision, Immigrant Workers & More

Charlie’s here to answer your questions — big or small!

Hey there, Charlie here! Many people have been coming to me for advice. Seeking advice about the future? Problems with lovers? Just have something you need to get off your chest? Call Charlie!

Holly says: My friends are always on their phones, and I don’t know how to ask for their full attention.

Ask and you shall not receive. Holly, you must COMMAND attention. Try these conversation starters to reel in your friends’ interest:

“Is there such a thing as insanity among penguins?”

“Do you think children should be allowed to compete in the free market? As in child labor.”

“Cheddar or Brie, what would you smear your mother-in-law in?”

“What do you think is in that big hole at coordinates: 28.7392° S, 24.7586° E?”

And if these don’t work, I’m afraid you’ll just have to kill your friends. There is no saving them.

Ilkka asks: How far away you need to go from Reykjavik that the housing situation gets better?

I met a traveler from a distant land. He spoke of wondrous places. Ones where the sun would rise in the winter and set in the summer. He spoke softly to me, and after conversing on many matters for a day and a half, he granted me one question. “What is your question, child?” he whispered. And I said, “I seek lodgings at a peasant’s rate. I have not the money of the lords nor the favour of the gods, but a good heart. Where can I rest my weary bones?” “Bitch, why are you in Iceland?” he said… softly

Ariel asks: Why is Þór allowed? (In reference to the Icelandic Naming Committee rejecting the name Hel for the third time)

Darling, the answer is simple. The inner machinations of the Mannanafnanefndar are known but to the few souls allowed within its presence, and even within those hallowed halls, servants of the Nameless attempt to divine his strange will. I believe it was Sister Gunnjona who initially presented the name Þór to Nameless God and she was allowed to live to record its validity in the Codex Nomen. Brother Freyr was unfortunately tasked with the presentation of the name Hel. Disapproving, the Nameless made sure that we would miss Brother Freyr dearly. But I have said too much.

Beautiful says: Boycott Eurovision!

Sweetie, I agree 100%! We should boycott. But I’m the one who’s supposed to be giving advice. Stay in your lane, harpy.

Pjays asks: Why are foreign immigrants classified as specialists not getting jobs/work permits?

Because Bjarni NotRealPersonsson over at the Immigration Office is comfortable with mediocrity. If foreigners are bringing in ambition, organisational skills, and, god forbid, punctuality, it means that he might have to work till 4 o’clock on a Friday. And what kind of a world is that for Bjarni? All he wants to do is have a drink at noon at the end of the week and then drive to his summer house with his three kids from his two baby mommas. Good on you, Bjarni!

We’re once again out of time for this month. But worry not, savvy readers, we’re looking to help you again. If you have any questions, send them over to the Grapevine, and your old pal Charlie will see if he can get around to them.

Bless bless.

Love,

Charlie

Need help? Got a hot tip? Seen a pelican? Send them our way at grapevine@grapevine.is. We’ll make sure Charlie sees them.

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