I’m Starting a Cult: Really, How Hard Can It Be?

In the woods of Iceland, a figurehead stands at a podium wrapped in gold-adorned silk. The congregation kneels before them as they raise a goblet. They turn to preach to the literal choir that begins a hymn ancient and forgotten. Oh my God, it’s me. I’m a cult leader!

Hello, I’m Charlie and I have a hobby. I like to look for ways to inconvenience the Icelandic government. Recently I stumbled upon the Act of Registered Religious Societies (lög nr. 108/1999). Apparently, religion is a big thing in Iceland. Whoda thunk it? Interestingly though, you can officially choose what religion you’re subscribed to. So, this got me thinking: If people can unsubscribe from God, can I get them to subscribe to me instead? I think it’s time to start a cult.

I like to look for ways to inconvenience the Icelandic government.

Registers Iceland offers up 55 different beliefs that people can identify as. This is, as always, the most per capita of any country (I assume). The majority religious affiliation in Iceland right now is the Þjóðkirkjan or the Evangelical Lutheran Church of Iceland. Most people born here don’t even realise that they are automatically assigned a religious status. When you are assigned a religious status, part of your hard-earned taxpayer krónur is funnelled directly over to the relevant organisation. This is how the church steals all your money. This is important research because it means that if the cult I’m starting is to scam you out of your money, it needs to be legally recognised.

According to lög nr. 108/1999, to be a legally recognised religion my cult has to: 1. Practice worship in a meaningful way; 2. Focus on ethical values and cultivation; 3. Follow the law, good morals and public order; 4. Deal with ethics or epistemology in a prescribed manner; 5. Take care of ceremonies such as marriage and funerals; and 6. Needs 25 people over the age of 25 to be members.

Our prescribed morals, as acting within the bounds of the law boil down to, “Be gay, DON’T do crime.”

If you read through that list and thought that those qualifications seem vague and arbitrary, you should also know that the law and the government website say different things and that a 2022 Report on International Religious Freedom in Iceland from the U.S. Department of State specifically calls the regulations laid out in the law vague and unspecified. Honestly, if you are being judged by U.S. State officials for having holes in your laws you must know that you’ve fucked something up. Of course, having such gaping problems with the legal structuring of religious law can lead to catastrophic failings, like some asshole with too much time on their hands trying to get their religion recognised as legit.

As the Arch-Hierophant/God of the Cult of Not-A’h-Scham, I decree that we shall take inspiration from the Dionysian cults of old. Where people of all genders above the age of 25 go deep into the woods over by Perlan and get absolutely just fucking wasted. Party in the woods everyday, bruh. Of course, we also preach love, acceptance and “good morals or public order.” Anyone can come out into the woods and have a blast — except you Guðrún, you know what you did. Marriage would be an easy problem to handle, who hasn’t gone on a three-day bender and woken up legally married? For funerals, the woods are right by the ocean, and our core belief is to just roll ‘em down the hill and watch the bodies float off. Our prescribed morals, as acting within the bounds of the law boil down to, “Be gay, DON’T do crime.”

That should get me by the censors. Now all I need is 24 more people to start following me, so I can get this scam legalised.

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