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Charlie digs deep … like literally deep into the Earth

Far, far below even the deepest delvings of Icelandic mining companies, the world is gnawed by nameless things. And also me, I am down there, gnawing at the Earth.

Hello everyone, Charlie here, and if you’re anything like me you’ve got an unending urge to mine into the forgotten places of the Earth. Perhaps, like Jack Black in the Minecraft movie, I too “yearn for the mines.” A place of dark, damp wet, filled with opportunities beyond compare. Count me in! I’m gonna start my own mine.

The process can’t be too complicated, right?

What do you mean I need mineral permissions? Just cause I’m digging up Icelandic rocks I have to get Icelandic approval? Ugh, fine. On the Umhverfis og Orkustofnun website there are details about applying for mineral rights. Well actually just on Orkustofnun website, cause that’s the old website, and they’re still building the new one… it’s been a hot minute though.

What do you mean an environmental assessment has to be made? Ugh, tree-loving, rock-humping, bee-eating hippies try to stop me at every turn.

I’m aiming for my mine to be at least 25 hectares because I’m going to make a huge fuck off hole in the middle of Reykjavík. But this means I’m going to need an official assessment by Skipulagsstofnun. Good news though, the most up-to-date rules about protecting the environment published on their website are from 2005. I am just so glad nothing has changed regarding the Earth’s climate in the last two decades that might possibly skew my application’s results.

What do you mean I also have to ask the local government for permission? I already got all my permits. There is no official protocol as each city council governs its own land. I assume that means if I want a proper mine, being related to/bribing local politicians would get me far. Now, to claim that zoning permission is given out in response to familial ties or bribery would be libel, so I’m not going to claim it. Instead, I’m going to send a letter filled with crying emojis and a 500 króna bill stapled to it to the Reykjavik City Council. That should do it.

Alright, I’ve got my mineral, environmental, and zoning permissions — time to dig! What do you mean “construction permit”? I’m not fucking building anything! Finneeee… let me email Framkvæmdaleyfi. Let me also just contact Vinnueftirlitið so that they can check that my mine is up to code. I need a separate permit to employ workers too? God, there’s so much paperwork.

But, now everything is set, I can start a mine! And they call it a mine! A mine! Massive amounts of gravel removed from Reykjavík city centre, a massive hole. With the help of industrial machinery, smog will fill the sky. My army of trucks each carrying ridiculous amounts of gravel will destroy all semblance of roads.

On a more serious note, there are those that would criticize mining companies such as LavaConcept Iceland, EP Power Minerals, or Eden Mining for running massive trucks loaded with minerals over public roads and through towns that don’t have the infrastructure to support them. And there are those that would further claim that these actions actively destroy roads and make it difficult for ordinary folk to use them. They might further criticize those companies for not paying for these roads out of pocket and instead making the damaged roads the burden the taxpayer. I, however, cannot criticize these companies, because what I’m doing is far worse. There are a lot of hurdles to jump to be able to open a mine, yet the process seems outdated, and unclear.

There is no takeaway from this article, I’ve got a cool ass mine and you don’t.

Want more of Charlie Winters’ musings in your life? Read more here.