Help? Call Charlie! ÚTL, Sharknado, Reykjavík’s Mood, & More

An old sailor’s superstition is that you should never help a drowning man, as it would anger the sea and lead to the sinking of the ship. So I, Charlie, being neither sailor nor superstitious, shall offer you my help unprompted and unwelcome.

Seeking advice about the future? Problems with lovers? Just have something you need to get off your chest? Call Charlie!

Ian McDonald writes: How many staff actually work at ÚTL? Is it one? None? A monkey with a typewriter? Did they all walk out and just leave balloons with faces tied to their chairs?

Like the Fates, there have always been and always will be only three workers at ÚTL. Each represents, respectively, the past, present, and future. The officer of the past pretends that all you’ve done till now is irrelevant for your application. The present is the one guy who takes a picture of you for your ID card. The future is the one who will deport you at an unspecified time. As for who processed your applications? There is none; you just keep waiting for that permit to go through.

Thi writes: Can someone please make a Sharknado Version where it’s fermented shark that goes flying? Hákarlnado.

Sharks ripped from the depths of the benthic and buried within the sand, left to rot, then hung to dry for four or five months. Soon, a natural disaster will rip them from their drying racks and will throw them at Reykjavik at immense speeds. Dear god… the smell alone.

Yeah, I think that movie would sell.

Aendra writes: How are things going in Iceland? How’s the mood in Reykjavik?

Not good girl, not good. Summer’s over… now comes the endless night.

Rinalds writes: What setting should I use to cut 30mm plexi with 150w co2 laser?

Now Rinald, I’m just a failing writer, so I don’t know too much about laser-cutting machines. But industry standard recommends 300w for 30mm of plexi. Your teeny tiny stupid ass weak tiny fuckin 150w loser laser is recommended for up to 20mm. But if you set the setting to slow and do multiple passovers of the same areas you have a chance of either getting it done or breaking your machine. And don’t come and talk to me again until you get serious about industrial laser cutting. -Sincerely, a failing writer.

Brenda asks an extremely long question, but I shall summarize it as “What the fuck is the deal with the Icelandic weird ass ferry bridge thing in the TV miniseries ‘Running Blind’ from 1979. Why not just have a bridge?”

The object that Brenda is describing is a kind of pushcar atop a bridge in which a platform about the size of a 1970s jeep can fit, and then winch your vehicle across a metal rigging. As Brenda rightly points out, a normal bridge would be simpler, cheaper, and easier. Brenda, it took me some research, but I’ve found the answer for you! Like most things in Iceland, it’s sheep. The device was used to close in sheep. Stop them from jumping off the bridge it does.

At this point, please stop and reflect upon the help you’ve received. Has it been kind? Has it been virtuous? Do you feel emboldened? Embarrassed? Aroused? Yes.

If you have any more questions, send them over to the Grapevine on our Facebook and Instagram pages and I’ll see if I can answer your questions.

Bless bless

Charlie

Need help? Got a hot tip? Seen a pelican? Send them our way at grapevine@grapevine.is. We’ll make sure Charlie sees them.

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