Published January 16, 2017
Last weekend, The Sunday Times reported that US President Elect and short-fingered shouting enthusiast Donald Trump might be planning a Reykjavík summit with Russian Prez and topless outdoorsman Vladimir Putin. It has since come to light that the report is possibly a piece of this fake news we hear so much about. Nonetheless, the two world leaders will have to meet at some point—and they may well follow in the footsteps of Reagan and Gorbachev by selecting our mid-Atlantic island as their location.
As the Grapevine has diligently reported on Trump’s imaginative campaign finance strategies and the response he elicits amongst Icelanders, we felt ourselves duty-bound to put our heads together this morning and provide a list of suggestions for these two intrepid and savvy politicians on places they could visit if they were to summit here.
Here, then, is the itinerary we would recommend for Trump and Putin’s dream Iceland getaway.
1. Diamond Suites Luxury Hotel
Located close to Keflavík airport, this accommodation is ideal for anyone who doesn’t want to mix with the hoi-polloi. Besides, just look at this place. With suites named after precious gems and interior design that has all the subtlety and sophistication of a gold-plated bidet, we can think of no better place for someone known for redefining what classy means.
These gorgeous caves, located just a few kilometres east of Húsavík, are the perfect destination for anyone who loves the sound of their own voice. Here, you can proclaim, bellow, and otherwise hold forth, and the only thing you will hear talking back at you is yourself. There’ll be no upstart CNN reporters ruining your press conference with questions, no snarky response tweets, and, in fact, no criticism of any kind. Hljóðaklettar is a literal echo chamber. What better place to get away from it all and speak your mind with nobody around to contradict you?
3. Whale hunting trip
Húsavík is also famous for its whales. And while there is actually no such thing as a whale hunting tour in Iceland, Trump and Putin are known for getting what they want, when they want it. A whale hunting tour would be an exclusive jaunt for them. They could take turns manning the harpoon gun, re-enact the “I’m the king of the world!” moment from ‘Titanic’, or pose next to their trophy for a photo op. As it’s unlikely either of these two are all that bothered by trifling concerns such as environmentalism or animal cruelty, they could also enjoy this bonding moment with a clean conscience.
Now, down to the picturesque southern coast. Yes, Reynisfjara is a dangerous beach (seriously, it is really dangerous to get near the water there)—for mere mortals, that is. For big strong manly man-men like Trump and Putin, however, Reynisfjara is merely another backdrop for the two to showcase their performative masculinity. Whether swimming in the huge, deadly, potentially fatal waves, bounding through the surf together, or taking turns punching the riptide warning sign, this is an ideal spot for some sweet presidential holiday snaps.
5. Bromantic helicopter ride to Katla
After such a whirlwind of activity, this would make the perfect end to a perfect vacation. Trump and Putin could be whisked away by helicopter to the summit of this active volcano, where they could relax on the caldera, do a little climate change denying, and laugh in the face of the possible obliteration of humanity whilst sipping the finest champagne. Or doing Reyka vodka slammers chilled by genuine glacier ice. After this relaxing series of excursions, this same helicopter would then drop them off at Taco Bell in Hafnarfjörður for a bite to eat before they jet back to their respective superpower countries.
So there you have it. If any of Trump’s or Putin’s staff are reading this, you’re welcome. Consider it a public service.